Spams and more spams!

I am not going to comment on these spams. Does anyone out there get this many of these kind of spams? This is around a month's worth. See .jpg below, copied from my email program.

As of 4/14/05, Imagination knows no bounds!

Name: Confidentially F. Undercoats
Subject: RE: Nice Married Wmeon mtees strangers

Not too confidential, eh, Mr. Undercoats. What is the deal with Married Wmoen? And what are they doing with or to the strangers? I am not sure what mtees means.

Name: Stalk I. Portugal
Subject: Slutty Houswires waiting for you

Stalk must belong to the celery family. The wiring in my house does have problems, and maybe new Slutty ones will help.

Name: Page H. Masai
Subject: RE: geenric Viagra, Codine in dcreeset packages

This is no Page out of my book. I love all the misspellings, although Ms. Masai talks about packages. I wish she wouldn't do that. It arouses my prurient interest.

Name: Wilson O. Grate
Subject: FW: Detailed manuscript on how to make woemn to have real orgas

I wonder what the "O" in Wilson's name stands for. Maybe it is Out. In that case, it would be Wilson Out Grate. Is that the opposite of Wilson In Grate? I do want woemn to have real orgas, however. But that is because I think that is a typo for Orcas. Everyone should have his, or her, own Killer Whale!

Name: Zachery U. Dowries
Subject: FW: New e-book on how to have sex with any woman instanlty

Oh, Mr. Dowries, you were doing so well until you got the word instanlty.

Name: Pocketknife Q. Unchanged
Subject: Popular stfoware at low low prices.

It sure isn't my Pocketknife. Mine has changed over the years. Through no fault of my own, the plastic grips fell off the handle. Maybe I can fix it with some stofware. Everyone seems to be selling that these days.

Name: Ascertained A. Andy
Subject: Want to learn to build your own website?

I have ascertained that Mr. Andy can indeed spell, and is head and shoulders above all those here.

Name: Coolant H. Stretchy
Subject: Re: Jenifer Nude on Scandalous Pics

I can see Coolant with Jenifer: Oh! Oh! Mr. Stretchy. I get tingly all over, just thinking about it.

Name: Albumen R. Rhetorically
Subject: FW: Jenifer Lpoez Nude on Pohtos

Oh, Albumen, I love it when you talk dirty. I always wanted to see Jenifer Lpoez nude on Pohtos. Tell Pohtos to have more photos taken.

As of 4/12/05, They just keep on comin'

Name: Seepage V. Avocado
Subject: Geertings, white man! :)

Mr. or Ms. Avocado thinks I am a white man - am I? What if I didn't know? I might have no mirrors in my dwelling. I might be devastated. I don't think greetings is spelled that way. Is he/she trying to fool my spam filter into accepting a draft notice. I got one of those during the Vietnam era. It started with "Greetings ....." I guess the smiley face is supposed to soothe my apprehension.

Name: Poona H. Undisguised
Subject: Re: Unique eobok on how to seduce a girl

Why does someone assume I need that? What if I was a gay male? Would I be offended more than I am? Now, if it said how to seduce two or three girls at the same time . . . well, I could use some instruction there. Also, they are "women," girls is a derogatory term.

Name: Theology D. Carped
Subject: FW:Sreect book on wemons pleasure map

Wow. This writer invoked the "FW" on this subject line. There's an attention getter. I also would want to know what a Sreect book was. I didn't know wemons came with a pleasure map. Did you? Maybe I need this book after all.

Name: Lorena Nadeau
Subject: re[11]

I included this because it is the 11th email. I still don't remember the other 10!

Name: Detracted H. Guardhouse
Subject: Britney Spears Caught Nude on Pics

A subject line I can finally understand. Gee, Britney... I will have to open this and see if she takes off her headset, too. Then she'd be "Totally Nude." I wonder what the middle initial "H" stands for in the sender's name - could it be "Haunting?"

Name: Quotable F. Simpered
Subject: Bjonour

Obviously, the sender wants me to think he/she is French. Now, why would he/she misspell Bonjour? I know, this idiot just can't spell!

Name:Brickbat F. Bunions
Subject: FW: Britney Nude on Paparazzi Pohtos

Britney again. Be still, my heart. Why spell photos incorrectly? I don't think that spam filters would pick that up as families must send out Pohtos. I think ol' Brickbat must just be illiterate.

Name: Soporifics O. Uniformest
Subject: FW: new Xanax, Valium avaible

Believe it or not, the name could actually be words. Soporific means hypnotic and is a noun. I do think that it would be "More Uniform," rather than Uniformest. I would also think that Xanax would get caught in a spam filter. And "avaible," just proves the imbecile can't spell. Didn't his mommy tell him that the first impression may be the only impression?

Name: Luce Heard
Subject: Re: VALIUM CiAllis Wiagra

Stupid misplaced capital letters, crappy spelling, I don't even know a spam filter that would be fooled by this. Are there filters for poor taste, or just plain stupidity?

Name: DME2090
Subject: FROM THE DESK OF:Dr. Themba Maleke

Gosh, there's a name that inspires confidence. Is anyone falling for these scams, in the year of our Lord 2005? This is one of the oldest scams in the book. I don't even have to open it to know that.

Name: Glacial O. Precognition
Subject: FW: Top Sreect book on how to seduce a girl

Did someone tell these individuals I can't get a woman? What gives? It's like getting cologne from each and all of your friends. Should you surmise you have an offensive odor? I guess the same people think I need Wiagra (above). Maybe then I can seduce a girl (woman)?

Spam sucks! Ban Spam! If you have any, post a few. Save 'em up. Trade them with your friends. We all need a good laugh at the expense of the cretins who send this garbage.

Email from 4/10/05

Do you get this much crap every day? I do.

Name: Grids S. Waggish
Subject: Evening, lanlodrd

Grids can't spell worth a damn! All this to bypass my spam filters. Maybe he thinks that he's tricked me into opening his email. Guess again.

Name: Stevens G. Rectifiable
Subject: Surprise surprise!

I would like to rectify getting all this junk. Stevens should get the magnum surprise.

Name: Darcie Garrison
Subject: Extra power. Don't think. Just act.

Not much wrong with the name Darcie. Could even be a real person. Yeah, right. I could get behind her message, if it means giving someone who hates her a very powerful weapon.

Name: Tonisha
Subject: Get the next generation....not expensive

Does Tonisha want me to get Star Trek, The Next Generation, and not pay much?

Name: Cyrillic H. Whispered
Subject: the BSET inrneett photo album!

Those misspellings! I don't have any idea what an inrneett photo album is. Could that be an illiterate word for internet?

Name: Pepsi U. Isherwood
Subject: Let your child grow with the bset stofware...

Dear Pepsi, the jokes on you. I don't have a child who needs the bset stofware, not even my inner child!

Name: Overwrite K. Macing
Subject: bset soft at low prices

At least Overwrite hasn't been overwritten. Fortunately, he can be. He should also be maced. At least his bset soft isn't stof.

4/9/05 - Here is today's set! Just the way I got 'em!

Name: Hooey P. Alvin
Subject: What IS OEM stofware and why do you care?

What is stofware? I have never bought any in my whole life, and, as a matter of fact, why would I want to care?

Name: Forklifts B. Maker
Subject: Ptohhsoop, Winowds, Office. CHEAP.

Ptohhsoop? Winowds? I would hope they would be cheap. Even though I don't know what they are. I would never buy from this person - would you?

Name: Dorthy Clark
Subject: Chose place and time.It will do the rest.

Dorthy Clark? After the real world name is some dude's name in the email address. Maybe it is short for Dorothy? Or misspelled Dorky? And the subject line is even more cryptic. A misspelling of the word "choose?" The place and time for what? And it will do the rest of what? If it is what I think it is, I'd rather do it myself! Does someone else have to be involved? Is it a mechanical device? I am filled with apprehension.

Name: Jimmie Meeks
Subject: re [19]

The name is OK. Is the re [19] supposed to be the 19th thread for our emails. Funny, I don't remember Jimmy or the other 18 installments in our thread. Does he really think this will get me to open this email?

Well folks, that's what I received today. Do you get this many stupid spams in a day? Post the funny ones so we can all have a laugh at the spammer's expense. I'll save more up and post them later.

Preface

This morning I turned on my computer and opened my Eudora email client, and downloaded my email. Having a business website, I have grown used to getting spam emails that are sent to the email links on my website. I received several emails with random-generated names in the name field, as I do every day.

Over the years, the spammers have become more ingenious, or rather, more disingenuous to combat the myriad spam filter programs that most people are using. The newest ploys seem to be random word generation, on-purpose misspellings, the use of re followed by a number, no subject line at all, and trying to make it look like they are familiar people to the recipient, all in order to defeat spam filters that are used to thwart the messages these people wish to purvey to me.

Heh, heh, little do they know that they have given me the perfect tool with which to defeat them. I, for one, do not use the standard spam filter programs, but rather have Eudora filters to remove the most egregious of those who would continually send me many emails. The program deposits those directly in the trash. I do not use the standard spam filters, because real customers sometimes have their emails wind up there. They do forget to put in a subject line, or put in a subject that activates the spam programs, occasionally, which means that I still have to look in the trash to see if I have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. This is a time-waster, but one which I can't avoid, if I want to do business on the Internet.

The newest methods of random word generation, misspellings, and invoking of re, can't get past my secret weapon!

So what is the secret weapon that puts me ahead of them? Why, it is the very last spam filter: I actually have a brain. My fuzzy logic detects these ploys. These mental giants who are trying to defeat all this technology cannot defeat my brain. The other part of my secret weapon is the delete key. It takes less time to delete these missives than to go to check them, caught in a spam filter!

The people who send these emails could get them through to me with one small trick, but I won't tell them, or you, what that is. You'll have to figure that out for yourself, or if you're a spammer, you won't be able to, as you are devoid of logic. If you weren't devoid of logic, why would you think that anyone who has spent two minutes activating a spam filter would want to hear from you anyway.

I do get a laugh at the names in the name field on the emails, like Nonwhites O. Baking, and sometimes at the subject lines. I will be posting these on this blog from time to time. And if you see your random-generated name here, rest assured I never even opened your email, but deposited it in the black hole of cyberspace, where you also belong.

To Nonwhites O. Baking, this one's for you!

anagnostic

P.S. To those who misspell words in the subject line, I usually don't want to do business with someone who doesn't take the time to check for misspellings in several 4-and 5-letter words, especially if they were honest mistakes. I'll bet you won't be any more careful with my order!